How does God affect friendships?
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Week 9: How does God affect friendships?
Question Asked: How does god effect our romantic relationships/ friendships?
The next two weeks we are going to talk about how God impacts our relationships, namely the way we love. Tonight, we will look at friendships, and I am going to take the liberty of adding in our relationship to ourselves.
In recent years, even before Covid, loneliness has become a big topic of discussion in an increasingly digital world. A study conducted online with 55,000 respondents reported that 1 of 3 persons reported that they often feel lonely. A 2019 study in the US found that 3 of 4 adults felt moderate to high levels of loneliness. This does not include how the pandemic has impacted this. Loneliness isn't necessarily determined by people around you. One person might have a significant other and many friends and yet still feel lonely. Another person might live alone and have a few friends and feel connected. The key is the type of connections you have, and the type of connections you want to have.
In 1938, Harvard Study of Adult Development, began a study on human happiness. They began by studying 724 men, then their spouses, and decedents which totaled in 1,300 people. The findings were that relationships are the key to human happiness. Good relationships lead to health and happiness, and those relationships need to be nurtured.
I believe Jesus provides us with a picture of how to love well and build vibrant community. In other words, I think it can inform the type of connections we build and nurture. When I think of God, I think of connection and oneness. I think of the moments I feel most grounded, in awe, joyful, sorrowful, etc. Often times (not always) people are involved. Community is so central to the teachings of Jesus. It feels, today, like we are in a crisis, where community and friendships feel challenging, and people are lonely. I think part of this, is we live in a very efficient, production focused society and this attitude effects how we approach community.
In the Deconstructionists Playbook, Jameelah Jones, writes about how our society has linked love and production. We have probably heard phrases like "friendship takes hard work" or "only invest in relationships that add value to your life." This shows our tendency to think of our close relationships as transactional and dependent on capital and ability. Jones goes on to write, "I do not need a person to first produce for me before I can love them as God loves. I can, and should, develop love and empathy for people who do nothing to benefit me. This is not to say that we shouldn't set expectations within our relationships. Rather, we should question the kinds of expectations we set, especially any that feed into the idea that love is about someone's ability to produce for you." I believe this also applies to the ways we view ourselves. We view our worth as production, what we should be doing, and if we are doing enough. This is not the way God loves, and isn't the way Jesus taught us to love.
Let's read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, and think about how this love relates to others, and how this love relates to ourselves.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (ESV)
In this passage, we don't see straight forward steps and practices for an ideal relationship. We don't see any steps for producing ideal relationships, but we do see expectations of what is and what right relationship can look like. I used to work for a camp that had a relational covenant with three tenants: stand shoulder to shoulder, believe in the best, and talk to not about. This isn't the end all be all, but time and again I have found that these three guidelines have solved many interpersonal issues. Relationships are complex, layered, mysterious and winding. Nurturing relationships requires attention.
In another devotional, Presley Thomas writes about Love as Labryinth. Thomas writes, "Our lives are rarely straight and ordered. Like the path of a labyrinth, it wanders, so too does love. We try to force it sometimes, but it doesn't work. Love is a Labyrinth; it moves, and its reasoning may change, but the goal itself is not wanting or gaining, but love alone. When love finds love, we will see ourselves more, not less. Nor will we ask what parts of ourselves to hide."
To go back to the question, I feel that God changes the way we approach love and community. Jesus calls us to love, for the sake of love. Some of the best community I have experienced has been communities of faith, and I have learned so much about love from my church families. The Church, has the capacity to do this unbelievably well, and extremely poorly. Colonialist Christianity has done great violence on the world, particularly to the marginalized. Churches that preach hate and exclusion, have caused great psychological and spiritual damage. I pray for us, that we are always a space that welcomes everyone. Whether or not we look the same, think the same, pray the same, vote the same, etc. Let us love one another for the sake of love, and become more whole and healed in the process. My prayer is that we would let go of the ideas of production that we tie to love, both towards ourselves and others. That we would embody the picture of love listed in Corinthians for God, for others and for ourselves. A love not measured by production, by how much scripture we have read, by how well we are preforming in work of class, by what our friends can do for us or add to our lives.
"God, help me to see your love in all things and people. Help me see places where this world equates love to production. Give me the strength to be a counterbalance to definitions of love that focus on capitalist notions of work and labor. "
Prayer Written by Jameelah Jones, from Love is Not Production.
Resources:
The Atlantic - What the Longest Study on Human Happiness Found is the Key to a Good Life
Our Bible App - The Deconstructionists Playbook
Bible Gateway - 1 Corinthians 13
Discussion Questions:
How, if in any way, has God affected your friendships/relationships?