How does God affect Romantic relationships
Ask Me Anything
Week 10: How does God affect romantic relationships??
Question Asked: How does god affect our romantic relationships/ friendships?
When I think of God, justice and peace, I think of what it means to be in "right relationship," I believe that God, and Jesus are constantly teaching us how to love ourselves, each other and the world in a more complete way. Last week, we talked about platonic relationships (friendships) and our relationship to ourselves. This week, we are talking about romantic relationships.
When I think about romantic relationships in the context of faith, my knee-jerk reaction is shame and fear. I spent so many years of my adolescence in youth groups receiving relationship talks, at conferences being scared away from sex, taking purity pledges and generally being scared out of having relationships. Sadly, I know from conversations with friends and students, that I am not alone in this experience. I do not want this to be a conversation guided by shame and fear, but of wonder and love and discovery.
Because this might be a difficult conversation for some, I want to start tonight with some disclaimers:
I want to say in advance that if anyone needs to leave for any reason during the conversation, feel free to do so. This is for what you need, and if you need to leave, walk around, call a friend, do so.
Romantic and sexual attraction are not the same thing. There are people who are asexual and aromantic, and I think often times, these conversations don't address the fact that we all have different needs, desires and approaches towards romance and sex. For the purpose of the question we are focusing on romance, more than sexual relationship, but for many people, those attractions may overlap and therefore a relationship might include both. Not everyone is interested in sexual relationships or romantic relationships. Some may want romance but not sex, and vice versa. Not everyone's experiences, desires and needs are the same, and that's okay.
I invite you to disagree. It's okay to have different feelings and understandings about relationships, I'd love to talk more about it. I can definitely continue learning more about how God calls us to love, and what that means.
Last year, I was at a church conference with Pastor Jewell, and somehow we got into a conversation about sexual ethics within the church. In that conversation she shared that they believe there isn't a single positive, healthy example of marriage in the bible. The more I have thought about this, the more I have to say, I think they are right. This doesn't mean that there aren't redeeming moments in relationships like Abraham and Sarah, or Mary and Joseph, but the truth is, all of the examples we see, have baggage and make some pretty big mistakes and miscommunications. Tonight, I want to look at the relationship of Jacob, Rachel and Leah. Jacob, or Israel, fathered 12 sons that became the 12 tribes of Israel. The story of Jacob's relationships begins in Genesis 28, when Isaac and Rebekah encourage their son to go find a wife. Jacob goes to Laban's household (a distant family member) and immediately notes the beauty of Laban's youngest daughter Rachel. After a month of staying with his extended family, Laban asks how he should repay Jacob for his work. Jacob agrees to work seven years in return for marrying his youngest daughter, Rachel. After seven years, the wedding night comes, and Laban switches his daughter, and sends Leah instead. The next morning, Jacob realizes the deceit and demands Rachel instead. Laban agrees that if Jacob works another seven years, he can marry Rachel. After seven more years, he marries Rachel, but she is unable to conceive. Leah on the other hand, has multiple children. Rachel ends up using her slave as a surrogate to get pregnant. After several years, she finally has Joseph and then Benjamin, and Jacob has 12 sons total with 4 different mothers (Rachel, Leah, Bilhah, and Zilpah). This is a messy story. The context is so far removed from romantic and marital relationships today. The Womanist Midrash, by Wilda C. Gafney, offers some commentary on Rachel and Leah's situation. She ponders whether or not the sister's where in on the deception, if Rachel ever loved Jacob or if it was unrequited. The sisters had little agency.
I think there is much to be learned from the messy relationships in scripture. The power of communication, the impact of adultery on a relationship, the power of respect and agency. We can gain many truths from these stories, and the reality is that the purpose of romantic relationships has changed. In the ancient world of the Old and New Testaments, Marriage was for producing legitimate heirs that would receive inheritance and continue the family line. Marriages were arranged. Romance wouldn't have been a determining factor for marriage. Chapter 9 of The Deconstructionists Playbook does a wonderful job reframing purity culture. In Decolonizing Sex, Jo Luehmann, breaks down the biblical notion of purity. She discusses the laws regarding sex in Leviticus, and how they had to do with legitimacy and inheritance. Luehmann says, "The obsession with policing women's sexuality and bodies had everything to do with inheritance and very little to do with sex and sexuality. The obsession with ensuring men had sex had everything to do with passing down an inheritance, and very little to do with sex and sexuality." In so many ways, that was the marriage landscape. That is very unfamiliar with today. While many places in the world do have arranged marriage, that is not the reality in our society. Marriage is a choice, not a fact of life. People are getting married later, dating longer and we don't have to have kids if we don't want to. The goal of these relationships is very different.
So, with the changing of the relationship landscape from biblical, near eastern world, to 2023 Columbia Missouri, how do we think God impacts our relationships?
Our relationship with God has the capacity to teach us to love well. But we don't always have actionable steps for what that looks like. Nadia Bolz-Weber, author of Shameless: A Case for Not Feeling Bad About Feeling Good (About Sex), writes, "If you were to draw a circle that represents all the people on the planet, and then inside it draw another small circle to represent the people who live according to 'God's plan,' then, well, very few people on the planet fit into that circle…Not included in the circle are [trans people], divorced people, people in unhappy marriages, people who have sex before marriage, people who masturbate, asexuals, gay people, bisexuals, people who are not Christian, people who are gender non-binary…If that's 'God's plan,' then God planned poorly." In many ways, the harm of purity culture is taking away the choice and discovery out of sex. We are told that there is one option, and that is for you to wait until marriage and get married to someone of the opposite sex. This cuts so many people out, and leaves people in a place of questioning, filled with shame. Everyone is harmed by purity culture. Regardless of gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, nobody is winning.
We cannot use the Bible as a proof text for creating a sexual ethic. That doesn't mean the Bible, and the narratives of God relating to human kind, of Jesus's justice and mercy, can't inform our ethics. We just simply don’t have a verse that can say with certainty what our ethic should be. In Shameless, Nadia Bolz-Weber goes on to propose a new sexual ethic. It is partly informed by the World Health Organization's definition of sexual health, and partly informed by faith. That ethic is: enthusiastic consent (not just absence of no), mutuality, and concern. Though this is talking specifically about the way we approach sexual relationships, I think we can apply this to romantic ones as well (or even take sex out of the equation and think of platonic relationships). Scripture does not provide a fool proof 5 step guide on healthy romantic relationships, so a lot of this comes down to our own discernment and needs. Another tool we've discussed before it the Wesleyan Quadrilateral: prayer, scripture, experience and tradition.
Let's read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, and think about how this love can relate to romantic relationships.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (ESV)
Resources:
Deconstructionists Playbook (Chapter 9)
Womanist Midrash - Wilda C. Gafney
Discussion Questions:
How, if in any way, do you think God affects romantic relationships?